Did you know that those who appear to be really strong are those that are most sensitive? Did you know that those who spend all their time protecting others really need someone to protect them? Did you know that the three hardest things in life to say are: I love you, I am sorry and Please help me.
This quote rings so very true for me, I have been told so many times that I appear to be so strong but, believe me when I am alone in the evenings I cry and I worry and I am likely one of the most sensitive people you could even meet. I do try and spend all of my time protecting others sometimes forgetting about myself but, I do need someone to protect me.I know that is hard to believe from a big tough girl that likes to rough house with the boys. As a small child that person was my daddy and now that I am grown I look to my husband, the best man in the world (aside from my daddy) to protect me.
Last but not least I want to tell all of my friends and family...I LOVE YOU, you all mean so much to me and I wouldn't be half the woman I am today without each and every one of you. I AM SORRY, sorry for anything I have ever said or done to upset you. Sorry for any decisions I have ever made that have affected your life in a negative way and I am sorry for not returning phone calls, texts. emails and messages as soon as I should. And finally PLEASE HELP ME, please help me to be the best mom I can be for all of my children but most of all for Jordan since he will always be a child. Please help me to keep the strength when I am feeling weak and please help me to pick up the pieces of my life and carry on no matter what happens and how much I think I can't do it anymore.
To you all my love runs deep within my veins and I appreciate all you do for us as a family. In case you might of guessed tonight is one of those nights when I do not feel like the strong, tough, super-mom some of you think I am. I am Jordan's mom, I am Jordan's voice and I look forward to the future even though it scares the hell out of me! Thank you all for taking the time to read Jordan's blog, I know it is long, and I have been known to ramble on at times but I do appreciate it.
One last thing: I LOVE YOU, I AM SORRY and PLEASE HELP ME...don't ever be afraid to say it!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Jordan’s Journey: September 2010- June 2011
Well a pretty uneventful winter and spring. Jordan had a mild cold and stomach flu during the winter months and he lost several pounds when sick. He has gained it back now. Jordan’s 11th Birthday was on January 19th, he of course was spoiled and had loads of fun. Jordan loves eating cake with his hands. The rest of the winter and spring was pretty calm for Jordan anyway.
Jordan started seeing a new paediatrician this year. So far so good...he is very nice and thorough. He believes Jordan may have Cerebral Palsy as well as all of his other neurological and health issues. I wonder how something like CP can go undiagnosed in a child that has seen as many doctors and specialists as Jordan has in his lifetime. This new paediatrician has set up the appts and paperwork for Jordan to finally be seen by genetics. We have asked and asked for Jordan to have genetic testing done so we know everything we are dealing with and we could possibly have some answers but, it never happened. There were always more pressing matters to deal with when it came to Jordan.
Today is June 26, 2011 and we have a very special appt tomorrow. We have Jordan’s genetics appt. We have waited 11 years for this appt and I am a little nervous, anxious and excited. I hope to get some answers tomorrow or in the near future anyway. I have said for 11yrs I can deal with anything as long as I can be prepared and research information. Living with a child every day not knowing what tomorrow will bring, not knowing when he could take a turn for the worse, not knowing his full medical diagnosis and not knowing when we may have to say goodbye to our son is so difficult. I don’t think anyone really understands. Even broad general answers will be better than what we have right now. I can not wait for tomorrow to be here and for whatever kind of answers they can give us. I am not holding my breath but I am sure not going to sleep tonight either.
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